Baby Fever

I am at my prime child-bearing age as are most of our friends. QE always had this theory that women are on the prowl for a husband around age 30 since that's when baby fever kicks in. According to him, even women who didn't want children in their 20s hanker for the pitter patter of little feet in their early 30s. He thinks our hormones and instincts kick in and it is beyond our control.

As most of you know, QE and I don't want human children. Ever. We have three furry children and that is plenty of pitter patter (and hisses!) for us. Allow me to digress for a moment... When people ask if we have any children, I always respond that we have three cats for children. Most are usually surprised and taken aback that we would refer to our cats as our children. Are we crazy? Do people with human children take offense to that because we are equating our cats with their kids? Whatever. I have three kids. Kids I don't need to put into a car seat, butts I don't need to wipe, and beings I don't need to drag with me shopping.

Ok, so here's the deal. We don't want human kids ever. But I am nesting in the worst way. Sort of. I am nesting for a baby. My terms and conditions: a baby that does not require me to birth; a baby whose diapers I don't have to change; a baby that won't require me to wake up at night; and finally, a baby that will not grow into a kid. I would also require a daytime nanny and a serious push present. Forget those cheesy rings from Kays or Shaws or Jared. Nope, it will definitely cost QE if he requires me to give birth. (Hahahahaha!!!) Given these parameters, I am looking to adopt a baby with a nanny that I can Return to Sender when it reaches 2-3 years old. Oh, and it must be a girl. Ok, I kid. What I'm really looking for is a baby to borrow. To snuggle, smell their clean, just-bathed baby smell, and change her into multiple outfits like a doll, and give her to someone else when she emits any bodily waste.

We met up with some friends who are about to marry. QE told them I was nesting, I described my requirements, and we finally told them we weren't having kids ever. The guy says it's too bad, and that it's always the ones who would make the best parents that choose not to have kids. It's flattering, I suppose, that he thinks we'd make good parents. But there was also a sense of disappointment and a hint of "WTF is wrong with you crazy people?! It's unnatural not to want children." Oh well.

So what brought on this nesting? Not sure really. QE's cousins seem to spawn babies left and right out of wedlock and insufficient means of supporting themselves as it is. My brother and his wife are due in November. With four weddings to attend this year, we'll probably see these couples have a baby within the next 2-5 years. Knitting baby clothes for my brother's piglet is fun. The clothes are so tiny! I finished a hoodie sweater today. It's supposed to be for 3-6 months and it is so tiny!!! Trips to Target involve visits to the baby section and me scoping out cute clothes and toys. It's so wonderful they live in another country because otherwise I would be buying a lot of toys. LOVE those Fisher-Price toys! Push a button and lights come on. Turn the tiger's head and he roars. Press the pig and he oinks. Sigh...baby toys are so much fun. There was one where if you lift the chicken, there are eggs and a chick in the nest!

I guess I am nesting in a superficial way. But it's enough to amuse and concern QE. No, I am absolutely confident I do not want a human child of my own. But it doesn't mean I don't want to play with cute babies. That first year is so amazing. They transform from a helpless little bald sleeping lump to a brave and active baby on the move and anxious to conquer the world. Those tiny "rat teeth" start showing up, those fat thighs become chubby legs with dimpled feet. I am not fooled by those sleepless nights, those exploding diapers, or living in one big biohazard when baby decides to put everything in her mouth. No thanks. I guess we are good parents in that we are responsible enough to know that we do not want human children. Hankering for a baby is not a good reason to bring a human into this world.

Besides, would my human child snuggle up next to me each time I cry like Angel and Davis do? Would the kid lay (ok, pass out) on the filing cabinet enjoying the air conditioning when I am using the computer like Cara? And would the kid greet me at the door when I come home from work? Don't get me wrong--I know there are a lot of great things about seeing my spawn present her first "I Love Mommy" drawing, or the first time she learns to write her name. And because she's my spawn, she will be smart!! (tee hee) My kids will never go off to college or get straight As. But, my kids do afford us some freedom from diaper bags or a finding a babysitter for the day. And that suits me just fine. So please let me nest and coo over a sweet smelling baby without asking why I don't want a human child. mmm, baby smell...and those tiny fingers! Those petite peas for toes! AHEM!--I meant to say don't tell me I would make a great mom. Duh. I know that. Just ask Angel, Davis and Cara. They will tell you I spoil them rotten but still discipline them as necessary. Those pink gums and later rat teeth! How am I supposed to resist little rat teeth!? Is there anything cuter?! Yes, there is...long eyelashes and chubby cheeks.